Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize