I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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