bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
