i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
