Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
