My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
