I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize