I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
