i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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