i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
