my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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