I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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