we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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