I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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