Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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