If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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