I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
