I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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