a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
