Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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