I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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