Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
