well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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