i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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