Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
