no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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