Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
