so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
