I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
