I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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