moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
