When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
