last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
