you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
