you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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