The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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