I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Randomize
