my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
