You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
