arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
