someone threw a dead crab at me
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
