She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
