I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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