I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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