I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
