just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
