Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize