We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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