you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
