I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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