Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
