I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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