Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am naked and annoyed.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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