I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
