She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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