how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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