you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
