I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
